Hour 11 of the shift. Second vending-machine coffee. Kenzie’s Rating Desk is open.
By Kenzie Ashford-ValeOctober 9, 2026Weekend Edition, Issue No. 1
“Your 4 a.m. is my 3:15, and I’ve been up since yesterday.”
Hiii! It’s hour 11 of my shift and I’m on my second vending-machine coffee, so let’s go FAST. Doctors spent this month warning people about TikTok health trends. Kenzie’s Rating Desk is OPEN.
How to read this page. Red means bad. Yellow means iffy. Green means fine.
1. Taping your mouth shut to sleep. Sweetie. Your mouth is your backup air hole. Don’t tape the backup. Red.
2. Eating workout powder dry, straight off the spoon. That’s eating a sandstorm at 5 a.m. so a podcast guy will be proud of you. Yellow, and coughing.
3. Trusting “Dr. TikTok.” A ring light is not a medical license. I checked. Red.
Bonus round. A billionaire said on TV this week that AI could someday mean a 3-day work week. Babe. I ALREADY work three days a week. They’re just 12 hours each. Plus the fourth day, when they call me in. Green for the idea. Red for my feet.
My own wellness routine: I sit in my car for nine minutes before I drive home. I stare at the wheel. I don’t sell it as a course. That’s the secret. You can’t buy it.
Going-home rules.
1. Drink water.
2. Sleep with your mouth however it wants.
3. Read the label.
4. Ask a real doctor, not a guy in a rented lab coat.
5. Stop doing pushups on a ladder.